The (Un) Commonwealth Games

I hope you are keeping a tab of all the jokes you are hearing about the New Delhi Commonwealth Games, set to start Oct. 3.
Why? Well, I am considering bringing out a joke book specially dedicated to this event. It will help spectators pass the time of day while they wait for the fire brigade to come and pull them out from all the rubble.
I mean, if stadium roofs and bridges are falling apart at the seams even before the contest starts, it is very likely some such disaster will happen when spectators actually start clapping.
The Guardian on Wednesday reported that the Commonwealth Games have been plunged further into crisis after a roof collapsed in the weightlifting arena, the Scotland team delayed its departure and the England team boss said the competition was “on a knife edge”.


One cannot but feel that the England boss is taking things a bit too seriously. After all, he should realise that any knife that is brought into association with the Delhi version of the CWG, will probably get all bent before it can nick anyone!

Structures at the CWG are so flimsy that even Bollywood celebs — well attuned to acting on the shakiest of movie sets – are protesting.

Actor Ranvir Shorey reportedly tweeted that he is “Waiting for something to collapse on one of the Government officials who’re telling us everything is alright at the CWG.” Stern stuff.

Hollywood, on the other hand is taking a more lenient view of the whole affair. Word has it that media bosses are so impressed with all the bridges and ceilings falling all over the place that they are contemplating shooting sequels for “Armageddon” and “2012” on location in Delhi.

Organising Committee secretary-general Lalit Bhanot, is certainly not reading too much into reports that Commonwealth Games Federation chief executive, Mike Hooper, on Tuesday expressed disappointment over the ill preparedness of the 2010 Games Village and termed it as ‘filthy’.

The standards of cleanliness and hygiene differ from person to person,” Bhanot said, brushing aside these concerns.

According to unreliable media sources Bhanot only bathes on alternate Saturdays because he has a ‘different standard of cleanliness!’

I will sign off with a warning to my loyal readers.

In case you are brave enough to actually visit the stadiums during the games, I hope you take necessary precautions. Wear a helmet, stock up on mosquito repellent to keep off all the dengue mosquitoes and try not to cheer too hard lest the stadium fall on your head.
Of course it might be a good idea, to not stand too close to Suresh Kalmadi. I have overheard that javelin throwers have been told that they will get extra points if they manage to hit Kalmadi! Let the games begin!



  1. Satyaki Chanda
    Posted September 23, 2010 at 4:40 pm | Permalink | Reply

    This is so hilarious. Many felicitations Saquib for penning this epic. It took a while for my laughter to subside. Well done!

    • saqib ahmed
      Posted September 24, 2010 at 4:32 pm | Permalink | Reply

      Thanks… and it is Saqib… not Saquib. I understand the tendency of ‘u’ to follow after ever ‘q’ but that’s only for the English language. By the way, I was half expecting a sarcastic comment from you. Such high praise from the king of irony was unexpected. Guard against the tendency, lest you become a softy. Thanks for reading.

  2. Shariq
    Posted September 28, 2010 at 2:04 am | Permalink | Reply

    Well written ! your thoughts are expressed with adequate “humour” here … But lets just stop and think for a moment.. Not to defend the Organizing committee(they have created a SHAM here), dont you think the world media gets encouraged by such words from the indian media? If we mock our own country in one of the biggest world events india has ever hosted, dont you think whatever little belief some of “us” have in the CWG will vapourize into thin air in no time?

    Agreed that its a MESS ! but lets just support it in whatever way we can till the Games get over..the swords can come out on what allllll things could have been done better once the foreigners depart…

    • saqib ahmed
      Posted September 28, 2010 at 4:38 pm | Permalink | Reply

      “Agreed that its a MESS ! but lets just support it in whatever way we can till the Games get over.”

      Wow. so just because it is our mess we should support it ? Like our politicians.. so what if the lie, steal and cheat .. lets vote for them… because they are our politicians?..

      No wonder things are in such a mess. If the organising committee had done some self critique early on .. probably things would not have been such a ‘mess’. they probably thought .. so what if we are making a mess of it .. its our mess!

      Having said that, this is not a platform for a critique of the Indian system… God knows there are plenty of things to criticise but it is not my job to do that . This was just a bit of fun. I hope, like you, that the CWG make up for all the mess and ends on a fantastic note. Thanks for reading and thanks for your comment. Appreciate it.

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