Category Archives: Uncategorized

The second coming


I pretty much suck at all things that need any more effort than required in the act of yawning. But this time I am determined to really outdo myself and kick this blog into high gear. So watch out. The aim is to produce at least a post a day. You have been warned!

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E-Petition to get Abhishek Takle to have a haircut



If you believe that the world would be a better place if Abhishek Takle were to get a haircut, take a moment to sign this petition.

Abhishek has been sporting the fungus on his head for the better part of a year. Rumor has it that living organisms have started to peek out from the undergrowth.

While there is little to substantiate the urban legend that the Great Wall of China is the only man-made object to be visible to the naked eye from the Moon, we can say with a good deal of certainty that Takle’s lustrous locks have grown to such proportions that it can easily be seen from a low orbit of the Earth.

Takle’s locks have flourished so much that the office security team is deliberating on issuing an ID card just for the Hair. (Note emphasis on a capital “H” since we feel the growth on his head has acquired a personality of its own.)

People speaking with Takle have been known to experience a vague sensation that they are being watched. The situation has become so serious that it may be fair to say that it is not the Hair that is growing on his head, but the other way round.

It is not very often that one gets a chance to make a difference in this world. Well, here is your chance. Just sign this e-petition.

Abhishek Takle could not be reached immediately for a comment for this post. (It is difficult to get through to him under all that foliage)

Photo Credit Himank Sharma ( @wolvhim )

(This post has been corrected to fix a spelling mistake in paragraph 2.)

When Weiner called Clinton


For a long time now, I had been wondering why Rep. Anthony Weiner, a seasoned politician and a technophile at that, would jeopardise a perfectly good marriage (yes you cynic, there are such things) and a great political career, by doing something as idiotic as tweeting a pic of his package.

But now it is all clear. Right from the start, the poor guy did not have a chance. I understand President Bill Clinton officiated at his wedding with Huma Abedin. Not a good omen, is it?

But honestly, whatever faults Clinton had – and he had plenty (including, not knowing what not to do with a cigar tube) at least he knew how not to confuse a tweet with a DM.

I am just trying to imagine what Weiner’s talk with Clinton might have shaped out:-

Tony: Hey Bill

Bill: Hiya

Tony: You know, I just wanted to ask you… How did you manage to keep your affair so quiet?

Bill: Well, for one, I am not a big fan of sharing stuff online, I prefer doing things the old fashioned way. Also I was on Orkut at that time.

Tony:Damn!

Bill: Also, You know you could have said you never lied. The legal definition of lying does not fit ‘evading the truth.’

Tony: Double damn!

The (hug and ) Kiss of Death ! Or Sanjay Dutt’s last ‘Jaadoo ki Jhappi’


Okay. Its official. Bollywood star Sanjay Dutt’s career is over for good. Thank-you very much.

No, seriously! Local media reports suggest that Dutt has been booked for making disparaging remarks against Uttar Pradesh Chief Minister Mayawati during an election rally in Pratapgarh district, Uttar Pradesh.

At a public meeting Thursday at K.P. College in Pratapgarh, Dutt is understood to have said,

Main Mayawatiji ko jaadu ki jhappi aur pappi dono doonga” (I will give both a hug and a kiss to Mayawati)”

(This statement in itself will lead, any astute readers who have seen Mayawati recently, to question Dutts mental equilibrium !)

I mean, If you are a heartthrob and an icon to boot and you say you will dole out hugs and kisses and people are unsporting enough to go and lodge FIRs about your words, well, the writing is clear. Sorry buddy you are no longer a star. Just look at Shah Rukh Khan – he has practically made a career out of hugging and kissing random people, and does anyone object? Not a word of protest.

It just goes to show that the delightfully statuesque Mayawati cannot be taken lightly.

Unconfirmed reports suggest that she has banned all statues of Sanjay Dutt in the whole of Uttar Pradesh.

Borowitz Report


Borowitz Report.

Sign of the (iPad) times !


People do weird things to get autographs and to preserve them. In an effort to create a permanent reminder of her favourite singer, a woman is known to have gotten a tattoo on top of a Paul McCartney autograph on her back!
Interesting but passé!

Why mark your skin when you can use your iPad to get and preserve an autograph?
That’s exactly what Sylvester Cann IV did when he wanted to get the autograph of arguably the most powerful man on planet Earth.

According to a Techcrunch report Cann may be the first person to be able to get the Barack H Obama II to sign on an iPad!

READ REPORT : http://tcrn.ch/OBAMAiPAD

This just leaves me wondering — how lucky Apple has it.

Companies spend millions of dollars and drink endless cups of disgusting coffee in an effort to come up with adverts that can catch eyeballs. Apple on the other hand makes its products and throws it to the market. Then all it needs to do, is sit back and enjoy while people do all kinds of crazy things with it. What great free publicity!

What a charmed life Steve Jobs leads!

Check out the video:-

And here is Cann’s mini-site set up to mark the event

http://bit.ly/aFWc1u

How To Go From 0 To 1000 Hits On Your Blog, In 5 Easy Steps !


Ready ? Here goes !

STEP 1: When it comes to blogs. Content is king! Every time. If you write about rubbish, most probably that is what the number of hits on your blog is going to amount to. Write about interesting stuff. Stuff that’s in the news. Stuff that’s controversial. Stuff that will fire up the imaginations of readers and force them to click madly on your blog and reap lots of greenbacks for you!

When deciding on what to write about, it is a good idea to look around and check what the topic of the day is. Check what is trending.
It’s simple. If you write about your running nose, you might attract a few hits from an up and coming pharma company but that is about it. If you want to get hits till your brain fairly bubbles over, write about the Republican Party nominee Christine O’Donnell’s dabbling in witchcraft! See! I can already see you Googling Christine O’Donnell! Way to go!

STEP 2: Promote your blog. Face it . You are not Lady Gaga or Shah Rukh Khan. Unless you hold a gun to peoples head they are going to pretty much ignore whatever it is that you have been churning out on your blog. So promote your blog aggressively. Many of you have told me that they find it awkward to talk about their blog. Nonsense. It’s the simplest thing. Just slip it into the conversation.

Here is a plausible scene.

You are at the funeral of your friend’s favourite grand mom:

Friend: “Am so sad my grand mom popped off!”

You: “Yes very sad. Now who will read my JournoOnTheProwl.wordpress blog?”

OR

Your friend is telling you about how she fell off a ladder and hurt her back.

Friend: “OOooh AAH .. my back hurts real bad.”

You: “I am sorry to hear that. Which reminds me .. just this morning I was writing on my blog that Agatha Christie is such an amazing writer.”

You get my drift, right? Just innocently toss your blog into the conversation.

STEP 3: Use the social media tools such as Twitter and Facebook to popularise your blog. It works like this.

Once you have written something, post it on Facebook. And threaten to delete your friends from your friends list unless they click on the provided link. Then Tweet about it for about 20 times a day at intervals of a few minutes. This is to ensure that even the most attention-deficiency-stricken follower may realise that you are trying to get them to read something. Works all the time! You of course run the danger of losing a few followers who might get irritated with your incessant tweeting… but what the heck! Am sure you will agree that we have no use for followers who cannot take the rough with the smooth.

STEP 4: Submit your site to Google, Bing, Yahoo search. This will help get more hits to your blog. Once this is done go to random people’s blogs and write replies to their posts. Leave a link to your blog. Nothing in the world works like flattery. 9/10 people will visit your blog just to check out who you are and why you should have honoured them with a visit. See that’s 9 hits already!

STEP 5: Comment, reply and chat with people who visit your blog. Build a conversation. Search sites like Google, love it when they see a buzz of activity.

Lastly, just love what you are doing and it will translate into number of hits on your blog.

Of course there is a secret Step 6 that is only meant for advance Bloggers. This consists of going to your own blog and clicking on random posts whenever you have a few minutes to spare!

Cheers!

Make your Blog Earn!

Make your Blog Earn!

The Curious case of Wavey Davey


I am sure that the fact that Wavey Davey has gone to jail for 24 weeks will leave many unmoved ( and most wondering who the heck Wavey Davey is! ) He will, however, leave behind a huge void in the world of entertainment for Kiddies.

Sky News Online, on Monday, reported that David Simpson, who said he could barely walk and claimed £35,000 in benefits while secretly working as a children’s entertainer under the alias Wavey Davey, has been jailed.

READ REPORT : http://bit.ly/WaveyDavey

The scam that went on for at least nine years must be the fanciest move ever pulled by Simpson, a former gymnast!

It seems Simpson was undone based on an anonymous tip-off.

JournoOnTheProwl understands that the unnamed source must surely be one of Simpson’s ex-patrons. To anybody, who has studied the matter in any detail, the probable sequence of events is quite clear.

I for one can see the scene unfolding before my eyes.

Four year old child asks Simpson to do that insanely funny trick where he makes a face like a monkey and hops around on one leg.

Simpson gives the child a smack on the head and tells him to go and hide himself where the sun does not shine.

Child warns Simpson.

Simpson takes the warning for an idle bluff.

Decides to call the bluff… at which point the child returns the favour by calling the police.

And the next thing Simpson knows… he is looking at 24 weeks in the Can!

Authorities apparently did not take kindly to evidence showing Wavey Davey, ( what a name) performing a tandem skydive at the time when he was drawing dole for not being able to walk for more than 20 or 30 feet without pain.

Moral of the story is that if you want to pretend to be disabled.. that’s ok.. but try to avoid the temptation to perform skydiving stunts while others are watching. Also it’s a bad idea to get on the wrong side of a 4 year old tyke.

There is, however, a bright side to the whole affair. Inmates at the prison that Wavey Davey will soon be favouring with his society have cheered the news of his sentence.

The popular opinion is that with Wavey Davey on the premises, there can never be a dull moment at hand.

ONLY RAJNI KAN(TH)


Making a super-duper hit movie in India is really simple you know.

First things first, cast Shivaji Rao Gaekwad. That’s ‘Superstar Rajinikanth’ for the uninitiated. (The standard of people visiting this blog is falling daily – next you will tell me you do not know Lady Gaga !)

After you have done this, you can pretty much relax. I mean if you have the time and inclination then you may think about ancillary things like story, screenplay and the likes. These are not all that important once you have managed to net the God of South Indian movies.

And in case you are really unlucky ( And we are talking a special brand of bad luck here.. something on the lines of a black cat that has killed a sparrow, breaking thirteen mirrors while walking under a ladder !) and make a loss you can always get Rajnikanth to reimburse you out of his own pocket!

I cannot tell you how popular the guy (read God) is. Just casting him in a movie ensures that at least 2 million people will watch the flick. And that is just the combined population of the South Indian states. I hear that he also has a considerable fan following in Japan. Though honestly speaking, I have a suspicion that the Japanese have not yet realised that he is not speaking in Japanese. They might have mistaken it for a regional dialect of their native tongue.

Rajnikanth has become a brand name. Take this latest film, Endhiran. The movie has a highly original plot. Something to do with a scientist and his humanoid clone that turns rogue and tries to do hanky panky with his creator’s girlfriend. As lame a story that ever occurred to a stoned storyteller!
And yet movie halls have been bursting at the seams to accommodate all the people wanting to take a look at their star’s latest work.

The guy is bald, middle-aged and has a paunch. I mean if I looked like that not even my faithful dog would take a second look at me! And yet we have simply millions falling over each other to shake his hands! The man is something else.

Grady Hendrix has put it neatly when he said ..

“He is a force of nature. If a tiger had sex with a tornado and then their tiger-nado baby got married to an earthquake, their offspring would be Rajinikanth!”

Word has it that the guy has enough chutzpah to strangle you with a cordless phone and has made even the simply act of smoking a cigarette into a refined martial art.

Check out the video!

If You have not died laughing after watching this do go and watch Endhiran

Who will Inaugurate the Commonwealth Games?


A huge controversy has broken out about the Commonwealth Games. This time the question that is troubling everyone is — who should preside over the opening ceremony?

This is really amazing. For four years we plan this event. For weeks we lambast it and abuse the people involved because they have made such a mess of it. Corporate sponsors are scampering away with their tails tucked in, so as to not be associated too closely with the corruption ridden event. And yet, we have people actually fighting to preside over the event.
I would have thought that we would have had to pay large bribes or kidnap the young ones of prospective chief guests, to get them to preside over the competition.

Be that as may, here is the list of top contenders.

President Pratibha Patil – As the leader of the nation that orchestrated this most fun-filled and ridiculous version of the august completion, she has prime rights to preside over the opening ceremony.

Prince Charles – In the absence of Queen Elizabeth II, Charlie, the heir-to-the-throne, has expressed his intent to preside over the games. Look at it from his point of view. The poor chap has been waiting for such a long time for the Queen to abdicate, retire or just die. None of this has happened in so many years. The Commonwealth games may be the poor dear’s one big moment in the sun. No wonder he is not taking kindly to people trying to elbow him out of ithe opportunity.

Nathu Ram – Nathu Ram, a daily wage labourer, has also put forward his name as most suited to preside over the event. His claim to fame is that he has so far caught 14 dogs and 4 snakes within the Commonwealth games village. He reasons that he should get precedence over the other two because in the likely event of a snake or a dog popping up in the middle of the competition, he is the only one who would be able to tackle the situation with aplomb.

At the time of going to press, it seems a compromise had been reached. The Deccan Herald reports

Prince Charles will declare the Games open while the President will say “let the Games begin”.
(It is assumed that Nathu Ram will stand in the background and catch dogs and snakes!)

READ REPORT http://bit.ly/CWGreport1