Stop Throwing Around Dead Frozen Armadillos

Image courtesy cowboyclipart.net

I just came across a story which warned me in the first line itself, “This may very well be the weirdest thing you’ll read all day.” And yes it was. The fact that I am writing about it on this eminently readable blog just shows how weird the news is. (Everybody knows how high a threshold I set for things that I post on this blog!)

The Report (click to read) talks about how (hold your breath) a Dallas woman was attacked with a frozen armadillo. (Exhale now!)

The woman was buying the carcass of the armadillo, probably for a nice Sunday meal, when negotiations seem to have broken down. The man she was buying it from allegedly threw the armadillo at her.

Now, I am not one to condone violence against women, but I think report’s focus is all wrong. Even now I can see you reading the report and thinking “poor woman” or “what a terrible man.” I can bet my left eyeball that no one cares about the armadillo. Why should you? It’s just an armadillo and a dead one at that, right?

Wrong ! It’s not just an armadillo. Think of it as someone’s son, someone’s brother or someone’s husband. And see how the picture changes. I mean is it not enough that the poor chap is dead (frozen at that) and people are salivating at the prospects of getting on the outside of its body? Is it fair that it should be used as an assault weapon? Did it ask for it? I am sorry, no.

Add to this the fact that the armadillo ‘s good name is being bandied about in the callous manner even after its sad demise. Does it really need this at this point in its life? (or death, you quibbler!)

Outrageous. I am stunned that there is no blanket ban on the use of dead armadillos as assault weapons.

I mean, if I were an armadillo and had just kicked the bucket, I would then just have to worry about the cooking pot. And not have to concern myself with being flung about at folks!

I hope the reporter Evann Gastaldo ( @egastaldo on Twitter) is more sensitive to rights of armadillos (dead or alive) in the unlikely event that she has to write about an armadillo assault in the future.

Have you had “One too Many?’

Have you ever wanted to find out your exact tolerance level for alcohol? I mean we keep hearing about people having had “one too many drinks!” I think, and I am sure you will agree with me here (unless of course you have had one too many yourself) the real key is knowing when to stop.

Well, I am happy to tell you that I think we have finally a sure-fire test to figure this out. It is called the River or Parking lot Test.
So here is how it works.

Ingredients

One medium sized river
Few large bottles of whatever it is that makes your boat rock
Notebook and pen

Method:

Sit in front of the river. Look carefully at the river. Note down what you see in the notebook. If what you have written reads “river” then have a drink. Repeat.

If at any time during the above mentioned steps you see the words “underground parking lot” appear on the notepad, promptly stop guzzling the nectar.

Later, count the number of times the word river appears on the notebook and you will have the exact number of drinks that you can have before you have had “one too many!”

Now, I can see that you are scoffing at this novel theory of mine. Well, if you do not pay heed to it, you might end up with your car in the river and your driving licence with the police. That’s exactly what happened to Peter Thaler.

Check out this story : Swiss man mistakes river for car park

This Swiss man obviously had had “many too many” and mistook a river for an underground car park. Having happily parked his car (no doubt bucked at having been able to park it in the exact right spot even while intoxicated) he went away humming to himself.

“He was confused because of the fog – but mostly because of the drink,” the report quoted a source as saying.

Little did Thaler know that the police were just waiting to nab him when he went to collect his car. The police took away his licence and fined him and (beat this) asked him to pay costs for the recovery of his car.

I personally think that the authorities exhibited a marked lack of a S of H. But then, in their defence, the police say that he was so massively drunk that he flunked a breathalyser test on the day after the parking-car-in-the-river incident. Depressing, or what? Enough to make you take to the bottle, yourself.

So take this opportunity to test the limits of your sobriety. Find your tolerance level. (And save your car from getting an unscheduled wash!)

Moral of the story: Not only must you “Not drink and Drive,” you must also refrain from “Drinking and parking!”