A Criminal Enterprise – CEO of a Prison BPO

When the Indian Supreme Court turned down disgraced ex-Satyam Chairman Byrraju Ramalingam Raju’s bail appeal on Tuesday, huge cheering could be heard over the high compound walls of Hyderabad’s Chanchalguda prison where he is housed. And if you are thinking that the inmates of this particular establishment were ecstatic because they have something against the man, let me tell you, you could not be further from the Truth. I am reasonably certain that Raju, who was arrested on charges of cheating, embezzlement and insider trading, in early 2009, is loved by one and all at the prison. After all genius is always respected, even in jail!

The real reason for the frantic cheering and general merriment was that prison officials have set their hearts ( Oh shut up..! They must have hearts! It’s a biological requirement) on making Raju Chief Executive of India’s first Prison-Business-Process-Outsourcing centre!

READ REPORT : http://bit.ly/RajuRules

Local media reports suggest that prison authorities hope to utilise Raju’s enviable expertise at running a BPO company to make a success out of a prison BPO firm, all set to go into action from November 1st.
Talks have been finalized between Tata Consultancy Services and IT firm Radiant Technologies, which will provide hardware support for the venture.
Of Course, it is only understandable that the powers that be are keen to rope in Raju for the project!

“The prison is an ideal place to start a BPO firm. There is absolutely little chance of attrition and we may be sure that no other companies can poach our employees (some of whom happen to be poachers – of course in the Forestry and wildlife aspect of the word!)“ Prison warden Choreshwar Singh said.

And Choreshwar, obviously wants Raju to help run the enterprise. After all, it is not every other day that you have at your disposal, someone who has managed to dupe nearly 6 million shareholders out of something like $1.5 billion.

“If he can dupe so many and for so much without training, just imagine how easily he can get foreign companies to cough up the cash, once we train him,” Choreshwar Khan said. (No the reporter did not make a mistake about the name… Long association with criminals has left Choreshwar a scarred man and he often uses various aliases just for kicks!)

And Choreshwar Bose, (… Duh!) intends to milk Raju’s skills fully.. Er.. only figuratively – the prison’s dairy business is doing tolerably well. ( and in any case who wants skimmed milk? Which is all Raju may be capable of producing. What with his years of expertise at skimming cash off the books! )

“We will seek his opinion on how best to utilise manpower available at our unit,” C N Gopinatha Reddy, the Director General of the prison said. (I swear I did not make this bit up… he actually said that !)

No doubt Reddy clearly recalls that the chap he wants to consult with, regarding manpower problems, is understood to have faked pay checks for thousands of non-existent employees! Now that what I call, superb manpower management!

Reddy also proposes to get Raju to guide the firm’s financial accounts department in advanced creative accounting.

The firm, apparently christened Jhutham Inc, is in advanced negotiations with a number of banking sector firms from Canada. I am sure the Canadians will be simply thrilled at the prospect of convicted criminals scanning every check that they write. (and if a few go missing here and there, perhaps pocketed by up and coming BPO employees, who find old habits hard to shake off, it is only understandable! )

U.S. President Obama has of course criticised the move.

“This is not the kind of change I was talking about! We must protect our jobs. What’s wrong with our own home grown criminals? Why can’t we do this here? “he is understood to have said in an e-mail sent from his Blackberry. (JournoOnTheProwl was unable to see the e-mail for himself since the message was encrypted and the Indian Govt. would not release it citing ‘national security concerns’. Blackberry maker Research In Emotion, when approached, could not help because apparently they have misplaced the code key book and nobody knows how to decrypt the messages any longer! )

And Obama may not be the only one to object the plans. Indian BPO Association chief Mr. Knight Shift was very vocal in his protests against the venture.

“As it is, my wife feels ashamed that I am working in the BPO sector. Somehow I have managed to convince her that it is respectable. What will happen when she finds out that Natha Ram our ex-watchman, who is serving time at Chanchalguda for petty theft, is doing the same work as me?” he hyperventilated.

Meanwhile Bal Thackeray has said that the whole thing is a conspiracy to cheat the Marathi Banmanoos of job opportunities.

“Why are they setting this up in a south Indian state? What’s wrong with Maharashtra? We have world class criminals here. Just look at me. For years we have been exporting best in class dons to Dubai.. You think we cannot manage a little outsourcing?” he said, in Marathi, of course.

As soon as news of the upcoming venture broke, a spate of petty robberies and assaults took place in and around Hyderabad. The police, however, have not taken a serious view of these cases.

“There is a lot of unemployment and people will do whatever they have to, to get a job. We have advised our constables to only arrest the most serious of criminals… Obviously we want to rope in the best talent for the new venture,” the Inspector General said.
When asked if he will be attending the inauguration ceremony of the new firm on Nov. 1 he said he definitely will.
“Of Course, I will leave my wallet and other valuables at home, before going there,” he said.

At the time of going to press JournoOnTheProwl got unsolicited quotes from two prominent media personalities.
The first of these was from the celebrated author of Crooker-winning novel ‘God of LOL Things’ Arundhati Roy.

“Hyderabad prison has never been and never will be a part of India. I think we should involve Pakistan in this venture,” she said. She also insisted that her comments could not be termed as seditious since she has been on drugs for some time now.

Union Law and Justice Mr Oily agreed with her.

“When in sedation, there can be no sedition,” he said.

The other unsolicited comment was from Suhel Seth who apparently has an opinion about everything. His comment, however – much like his opinions – was too ridiculous even by the lax standards of this blog, so we shall not bother with it.

Raju, when contacted, refused to comment. Close associates have, however, hinted that the man has asked the state government to provide him with a tiger.

Apparently he works best when riding on a member of the endangered species!

From China with (Anything but) Love

Mad China

Dear Western World,

After much thinking and thinking we have decided to write a letter to western world. This because no matter what we do, no matter what we say western world is not treating China well.
Our Chinese blood boiling at all insults flinging on our land. We have plenty money. We have $2 trillion reserves still stupid America not taking heed and supporting western world in daily insulting Chinese honour.
Look at this Google company. One day they say we pulling out of China. Ha ! We have 1.3 billion Chinese people in china … does Google want to pull out of such huge marketing opportunity? Then why this nonsense. And daily they create some hullaballoo when we block some website. They say China blocking website. Website not working. In India everyday websites crashing, not working but no one create hullabaloo.
When U.S. building plenty big missile no one saying anything. When China building missiles everyone anxious. Why like this?
And now things too much . You giving Nobel Peace prize to criminal Liu Xiaobo. We ask you how he peaceful?
He only peaceful because he in jail. If we not put him in jail he inciting riots and treasoning all over place. And who put him in jail. China. So give Peace prize to China.
Then giving thought to Tiwan. Stupid Taiwanese people wanting freedom. Not wanting to be part of China. Morons. And bigger moron world media saying china doing human right violation. We feel like taking media into room and violating them now. Here media very good. They say what we say they say. No nonsense.
And journalists big culprit. Everyday creating useless controversy about China. China big bully .. China big country. All nonsense.
And top of all western world giving 2010 Courage in Journalism” award to Tsering Woeser.
Stupid female. We banning her books. She go blogging. We ban her blog. She go radioing. What irritating lady. And u give her courage award. We ask who make her full of courage. If we not banning book and not banning blog how she getting courage award then?
So world stop messing with China.. already plenty mess here. Daily population increasing, no rice no chopstick. Like Americans say “Cut Crap now.”
Give us Nobel prize and Courage journalist award. And watch your reporters.
If we become mad then world in Big trouble.

The peoples Republic of China

Borowitz Report

Borowitz Report.

Sign of the (iPad) times !

People do weird things to get autographs and to preserve them. In an effort to create a permanent reminder of her favourite singer, a woman is known to have gotten a tattoo on top of a Paul McCartney autograph on her back!
Interesting but passé!

Why mark your skin when you can use your iPad to get and preserve an autograph?
That’s exactly what Sylvester Cann IV did when he wanted to get the autograph of arguably the most powerful man on planet Earth.

According to a Techcrunch report Cann may be the first person to be able to get the Barack H Obama II to sign on an iPad!

READ REPORT : http://tcrn.ch/OBAMAiPAD

This just leaves me wondering — how lucky Apple has it.

Companies spend millions of dollars and drink endless cups of disgusting coffee in an effort to come up with adverts that can catch eyeballs. Apple on the other hand makes its products and throws it to the market. Then all it needs to do, is sit back and enjoy while people do all kinds of crazy things with it. What great free publicity!

What a charmed life Steve Jobs leads!

Check out the video:-

And here is Cann’s mini-site set up to mark the event

http://bit.ly/aFWc1u

What’s in a Name?

WARNING: This piece contains Graphic language. Readers, below the age of 18, are requested to go away and grow up, before coming back to read it.

Sometimes, I cannot help feeling that we Indians take ourselves too seriously. Take the case of this New Zealand television host being suspended because he could not help cracking a joke or two about Delhi Chief Minister Sheila Dikshit’s name.

Paul Henry, a breakfast host for the state-owned broadcaster TVNZ, apparently deliberately made fun of Sheila Dikshit’s name and kept calling her a variety of names including “Dip-Shit” and “Dick-Shit.”

I understand that the Indian administration did not take kindly to the remarks by Henry and summoned New Zealand High Commissioner Rupert Holborow.

I just can’t help imagining the dialogue that must have ensued.

INDIA: Hi! This TV anchor of yours, has insulted a minister from India.

HOLBOROW: Oh! I am sorry to hear that. Tell me what happened?

INDIA: Well he called her Dick-Shit!

HOLBOROW: What! Oh my God! What’s her name ?

INDIA: Its Dixit.

HOLBOROW: Er.. Really ?… But isn’t that what he called her? Dick-Shit? What is the problem here?

Well, I grant that the TV anchor was pretty obnoxious and all that, but lets face it. We do have some really funny names. I mean can you honestly look me in the eyes (or at least at my outdated Gravatar on this blog!) and tell me you have never thought a funny thought, when you came across someone called ‘Sukdeep” or “Hardik” or “Sadiq” ? Admit it, you were laughing your guts out when Russell Peter was cracking his jokes about funny names!

Take for instance my name. Half the Americans I have talked to, find it hard to believe that somebody called Suck-Ib, actually exists!

So, I don’t think, this name thing is such a big deal. I take umbrage at the fact that the Henry chap said that Indian streets are full of shit. What crap is this? I mean if the comment came a few days earlier I would have understood, but now? Just when we cleaned the streets for the Commonwealth Games? Not done!

Anyway it seems Paul Henry has gotten himself in Dickshit! (A tweet by a twitterati says so!) That also without coming to India!

The anchor was suspended. Hah ! He should have known better than to mess with an Indian politician. Ask any government minion, these politicians have simply years of experience in getting people suspended and transferred. In fact, Henry should count himself lucky. If he had been in India, I am sure he would have found himself transferred to some Maoist-infested area!

P.S. Talking about envoys and ambassadors, I hear that the British High Commission is looking for Suresh Kalmadi. They seem to want to haul him up on a serious charge — attempt to give Prince Charles a heart attack. Apparently, in a speech Kalamadi, mistakenly thanked Princess Diana for being present at the opening ceremony of the Delhi Commonwealth games!

Here is the video of Henry Paul’s comments!

How To Go From 0 To 1000 Hits On Your Blog, In 5 Easy Steps !

Ready ? Here goes !

STEP 1: When it comes to blogs. Content is king! Every time. If you write about rubbish, most probably that is what the number of hits on your blog is going to amount to. Write about interesting stuff. Stuff that’s in the news. Stuff that’s controversial. Stuff that will fire up the imaginations of readers and force them to click madly on your blog and reap lots of greenbacks for you!

When deciding on what to write about, it is a good idea to look around and check what the topic of the day is. Check what is trending.
It’s simple. If you write about your running nose, you might attract a few hits from an up and coming pharma company but that is about it. If you want to get hits till your brain fairly bubbles over, write about the Republican Party nominee Christine O’Donnell’s dabbling in witchcraft! See! I can already see you Googling Christine O’Donnell! Way to go!

STEP 2: Promote your blog. Face it . You are not Lady Gaga or Shah Rukh Khan. Unless you hold a gun to peoples head they are going to pretty much ignore whatever it is that you have been churning out on your blog. So promote your blog aggressively. Many of you have told me that they find it awkward to talk about their blog. Nonsense. It’s the simplest thing. Just slip it into the conversation.

Here is a plausible scene.

You are at the funeral of your friend’s favourite grand mom:

Friend: “Am so sad my grand mom popped off!”

You: “Yes very sad. Now who will read my JournoOnTheProwl.wordpress blog?”

OR

Your friend is telling you about how she fell off a ladder and hurt her back.

Friend: “OOooh AAH .. my back hurts real bad.”

You: “I am sorry to hear that. Which reminds me .. just this morning I was writing on my blog that Agatha Christie is such an amazing writer.”

You get my drift, right? Just innocently toss your blog into the conversation.

STEP 3: Use the social media tools such as Twitter and Facebook to popularise your blog. It works like this.

Once you have written something, post it on Facebook. And threaten to delete your friends from your friends list unless they click on the provided link. Then Tweet about it for about 20 times a day at intervals of a few minutes. This is to ensure that even the most attention-deficiency-stricken follower may realise that you are trying to get them to read something. Works all the time! You of course run the danger of losing a few followers who might get irritated with your incessant tweeting… but what the heck! Am sure you will agree that we have no use for followers who cannot take the rough with the smooth.

STEP 4: Submit your site to Google, Bing, Yahoo search. This will help get more hits to your blog. Once this is done go to random people’s blogs and write replies to their posts. Leave a link to your blog. Nothing in the world works like flattery. 9/10 people will visit your blog just to check out who you are and why you should have honoured them with a visit. See that’s 9 hits already!

STEP 5: Comment, reply and chat with people who visit your blog. Build a conversation. Search sites like Google, love it when they see a buzz of activity.

Lastly, just love what you are doing and it will translate into number of hits on your blog.

Of course there is a secret Step 6 that is only meant for advance Bloggers. This consists of going to your own blog and clicking on random posts whenever you have a few minutes to spare!

Cheers!

Make your Blog Earn!

The Curious case of Wavey Davey

I am sure that the fact that Wavey Davey has gone to jail for 24 weeks will leave many unmoved ( and most wondering who the heck Wavey Davey is! ) He will, however, leave behind a huge void in the world of entertainment for Kiddies.

Sky News Online, on Monday, reported that David Simpson, who said he could barely walk and claimed £35,000 in benefits while secretly working as a children’s entertainer under the alias Wavey Davey, has been jailed.

READ REPORT : http://bit.ly/WaveyDavey

The scam that went on for at least nine years must be the fanciest move ever pulled by Simpson, a former gymnast!

It seems Simpson was undone based on an anonymous tip-off.

JournoOnTheProwl understands that the unnamed source must surely be one of Simpson’s ex-patrons. To anybody, who has studied the matter in any detail, the probable sequence of events is quite clear.

I for one can see the scene unfolding before my eyes.

Four year old child asks Simpson to do that insanely funny trick where he makes a face like a monkey and hops around on one leg.

Simpson gives the child a smack on the head and tells him to go and hide himself where the sun does not shine.

Child warns Simpson.

Simpson takes the warning for an idle bluff.

Decides to call the bluff… at which point the child returns the favour by calling the police.

And the next thing Simpson knows… he is looking at 24 weeks in the Can!

Authorities apparently did not take kindly to evidence showing Wavey Davey, ( what a name) performing a tandem skydive at the time when he was drawing dole for not being able to walk for more than 20 or 30 feet without pain.

Moral of the story is that if you want to pretend to be disabled.. that’s ok.. but try to avoid the temptation to perform skydiving stunts while others are watching. Also it’s a bad idea to get on the wrong side of a 4 year old tyke.

There is, however, a bright side to the whole affair. Inmates at the prison that Wavey Davey will soon be favouring with his society have cheered the news of his sentence.

The popular opinion is that with Wavey Davey on the premises, there can never be a dull moment at hand.

ONLY RAJNI KAN(TH)

Making a super-duper hit movie in India is really simple you know.

First things first, cast Shivaji Rao Gaekwad. That’s ‘Superstar Rajinikanth’ for the uninitiated. (The standard of people visiting this blog is falling daily – next you will tell me you do not know Lady Gaga !)

After you have done this, you can pretty much relax. I mean if you have the time and inclination then you may think about ancillary things like story, screenplay and the likes. These are not all that important once you have managed to net the God of South Indian movies.

And in case you are really unlucky ( And we are talking a special brand of bad luck here.. something on the lines of a black cat that has killed a sparrow, breaking thirteen mirrors while walking under a ladder !) and make a loss you can always get Rajnikanth to reimburse you out of his own pocket!

I cannot tell you how popular the guy (read God) is. Just casting him in a movie ensures that at least 2 million people will watch the flick. And that is just the combined population of the South Indian states. I hear that he also has a considerable fan following in Japan. Though honestly speaking, I have a suspicion that the Japanese have not yet realised that he is not speaking in Japanese. They might have mistaken it for a regional dialect of their native tongue.

Rajnikanth has become a brand name. Take this latest film, Endhiran. The movie has a highly original plot. Something to do with a scientist and his humanoid clone that turns rogue and tries to do hanky panky with his creator’s girlfriend. As lame a story that ever occurred to a stoned storyteller!
And yet movie halls have been bursting at the seams to accommodate all the people wanting to take a look at their star’s latest work.

The guy is bald, middle-aged and has a paunch. I mean if I looked like that not even my faithful dog would take a second look at me! And yet we have simply millions falling over each other to shake his hands! The man is something else.

Grady Hendrix has put it neatly when he said ..

“He is a force of nature. If a tiger had sex with a tornado and then their tiger-nado baby got married to an earthquake, their offspring would be Rajinikanth!”

Word has it that the guy has enough chutzpah to strangle you with a cordless phone and has made even the simply act of smoking a cigarette into a refined martial art.

Check out the video!

If You have not died laughing after watching this do go and watch Endhiran